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I took my first opiate when I was twelve. Actually I took 7 of them. A few years later I was smoking heroin, and a little while after that I was pushing it as quickly as I dared into my veins. Those first few pills that I started out with, would decades later; in an unforeseen epidemic of for-profit, government sanctioned, legal drug dealing, become the leading cause of injury death amongst adults in the United States. To paraphrase Canadian physician, Dr. Gabor Maté, ...addiction is a response to pain. As a society, we need to be asking ourselves, not why is there so much addiction, but why is there so much pain?
I used drugs for 27 years. I had no sense of belonging to anyone. My community was broken and sick. We fed off each other until there was nothing more to gain, and then we moved onto the next sick group. The only time I ever gave or was of service to anyone was always only ever after I had gotten all of what I needed. And even then, the giving; the service, was only a present manipulation of an imagined or potential future payout. And I couldn't seem to be of use to anyone or anything, except for me. I stood at phone booths for hours, hating the drug and the man that would make me wait for hours on end to get it, and forgiving of both as soon as they arrived. I had a head full of numbers and a heart full of hustle. If you had asked for my social security number, I couldn't have told you, but I had my dealer's numbers committed to memory.
In the end, it took years to get my dealer's phone numbers out of my head. And it took something bigger than me to come between me and heroin. In the end, I found that it was only in the selfless giving to others, that I could ever truly get. That I didn't get sober or clean, so that I could finally be successful, make money, and close the deal on life. In the end, I found my redemption in the serving of others. I found my purpose in community; in being of use. To people I loved. To people I didn't particularly like. To those who had less than me, but needed more. To you. To you.
(Shawn)

lyrics

I’ve been spending what seems like forever trying to find my way outta this one again.
And I haven’t found any answers ever I’m still stuck in the same rhythm.
I’m roundin this block one more time, I hope I make it home my friends. Pulling out an old phone book, I’m standing at a payphone again.
I’m looking for something better this time woah oh oh oh
then a syringe in my arm and a 40 ounce to bind me down. I want freedom. I want the truth. I want reality. I wanna be of use to you.
To you. X15

credits

from Property Damage: A Love Story, released January 12, 2015

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Moon Bandits Los Angeles, California

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